How to make relaxation automatic (in 50 seconds per day)

Wallpaper is hard.

Last week, my wife and I were putting up ocean-themed wallpaper in our son's nursery. I was ready to give up halfway through the first panel. It felt like trying to juggle glue.

By the second panel, we started to get the hang of it. I would line up the pattern while my wife smoothed out the bubbles.

By the last panel, our system was automatic. We were chatting, enjoying a folksy Spotify playlist, and the wallpaper was unrolling itself onto the wall.

How does a skill go from "I can't do this" to "I'm doing this without even thinking about it" in the span of 2 hours?

The neurological explanation is that "neurons that fire together, wire together." In other words, whatever we practice repeatedly, gets easier and eventually automatic.

In this issue, I'm going to teach you a simple method to apply this logic to make relaxation automatic and effortless.

Actions we repeat, get easier

It seems obvious.

But most advice on stress relief and relaxation overlooks this concept. The Buddhist philosophy that underscores a lot of wellness advice is that well-being and relaxation is our natural state, and that we actively cover it up with our worries, fears, and doom scrolling.

I actually agree with the "calm-is-your-natural-state" philosophy, but - as is the case with most philosophy - it's pretty useless in our day to day lives.

The people who need to relax most aren't helped by hearing things like "surrender" or "drop back into your true nature." Theory isn't sufficient when you've been training the skill of not being relaxed for years (or decades).

Our wallpaper instruction booklet was breezy and vague, featuring a mid-40s, airbrushed, suburban woman whose warm smile reminded us how incredibly easy it was for her (and should have been for us).

Typical advice on "letting go" and relaxing is equally maddening to the people who need it most.

Instead, we need to start talking about relaxation in a new way. A useful way.

Relaxing is a skill

We can wrap our heads around skills. Tying shoes, brushing teeth, and putting up wallpaper - all skills.

Re-framing relaxation as a skill primes you with the perfect mindset - that "getting good" at relaxing takes time and deliberate practice. And that your initial attempts at "letting go" won't feel natural, or even comfortable.

The good news is - it won't feel unnatural for long. Just the first panel of wallpaper. With a short daily practice (which I'm about to share), you can start to train the habit of feeling calm and at ease.

Before long, you won't need to train anymore. Relaxing will become an automatic response.

My favorite way to train the skill of relaxation is stupidly simple:

• It doesn't require you to set aside a chunk of time (50 seconds/day).

• You don't need a meditation cushion or a quiet place.

• It's happens throughout your messy day (the ideal time to train the skill of relaxation).

The Random Breath (a technique for training the skill of relaxation)

At 5 random moments every day, stop what you're doing and practice relaxing for the duration of a single breath.

Just one.

First, I'll explain the technique, then I'll show you how you can put it on autopilot so it happens without you having to remember.

The 3 steps to The Random Breath are Pause, Breathe in, and "Let go":

Step 1: Pause - Stop what you're doing (as soon as you can safely do so.) Challenge yourself to stop even if it's inconvenient.

Step 2: Breathe in - Take a long, gentle, and deep inhale through your nose. Notice your belly expanding slowly.

Step 3: "Let go" - On the exhale, mentally say the phrase "let go".

It might seem corny, but those two words - "let go" - can become a powerful trigger to downshift your nervous system.

There are two things, specifically, you should be letting go of when you say "let go":

1. Physical tension in your forehead, jaws, shoulders, and stomach.

2. Emotional tension.

 "Letting go" of emotional tension doesn't mean whatever difficult emotion you are feeling goes away. In fact, the shortness of The Random Breath practice almost ensures your emotions will not go away. In a long meditation practice, it's common to feel a desire to change your state. To go from "stressed" to "relaxed".

With The Random Breath, if you were overwhelmed when you started The Random Breath, you'll probably still be overwhelmed 10 seconds later when you finish it. This is a feature, not a bug.

It's deliberate practice for allowing emotions, especially when they're not the ones you want.

Just loosen your grip on the emotion and notice that it's there.

If the whole "emotional tension" part of this feels unclear, and you prefer specific instructions, just visualize a tight fist relaxing open during step 3.

Making Calm Automatic

Here's how to make The Random Breath "random" and effortless (after a short initial setup).

Step 1: Download an app called RandomlyRemindMe (it's free). There's plenty of other apps that do this, just sharing the one I use. I've heard Mindjogger works for iOS. 

Step 2: Input a reminder called "Pause, breathe in, let go"

Step 3: Select your daily frequency and timeframe (5 times, 9am to 9pm is great)

The app will buzz or chime on your phone at 5 random times within your set time frame every day. When it does, do The Random Breath.

The randomness is important here.

It's great to schedule self care during weekends, or downtime, or "once you finish X." But The Random Breath should actively interrupt your messy, busy life. That's your ideal training ground for the skill of relaxation.

Give it a try, and if you do, shoot me a note to let me know how it goes.

There's certainly other ways to train the skill of relaxation.

I call these practices that fit into the nooks and crannies of a busy life "micro meditations." I'll be sharing many more "micro-meditations" in future issues of this newsletter, but The Random Breath is one of my favorites for it's simplicity and effectiveness.

Here's another "micro-meditation" strategy from Sadhguru, explained in 47 seconds by Jason Alexander (The actor who played George in Seinfeld).

No matter which method you choose to train the skill of relaxation, remember that learning skills feels bad at first.

The first panel of wallpaper is a disaster.

Common thoughts to expect when you start trying The Random Breath:

• "This isn't working."

• "Why am I doing this?"

• "This is dumb and contrived."

Expect these thoughts, notice them, and practice anyway.

When you do, you might be surprised how quickly relaxation becomes automatic.