How to find calm in forbidden places

Sasha Chapin wrote an amazing article about how he discovered Deep Okayness.

After reading it, I'm pretty sure "Deep Okayness" is my life's mission. The feeling I've been chasing with all this work on "calming down" and relaxing into the present moment.

Needless to say, the article had a big impact on me.

It's long, but if it sounds interesting, I highly recommend giving that article a full read.

Today, Ill be sharing two helpful exercises from the (very weird) book that was recommended in the article - which I immediately bought and read.

The book is called Existential Kink. Did I mention it's weird?

I agree with Sasha's assessment of the book - the author clearly knows her stuff and the techniques can be lifechanging, but the presentation was a little woo-woo and "this will fix everything in your life" even for me.

That being said, some of the books' practical exercises are amazing. They've left me me in a calmer, more joyful state than I can usually think myself into.

These were my two favorite:

Exercise 1: "Existential Kink" Meditation

The main exercise in the book (which the author calls EK for "Existential Kink") starts with identifying an uncomfortable situation, feeling, or pattern in your life (preferably something recurring - an annoying rut you often find yourself in).

I used a pattern I find myself stuck in often: getting really excited about a new project/task, then, inevitably abandoning it for something else a few weeks later and feeling bad about myself for "giving up and never sticking with things."

Here's how I ran this through the Existential Kink meditation:

Following the author's instructions, I first noticed the feelings associated with that feeling of "giving up and never sticking with anything" (guilt, shame, defeat, anger, self-pity), then I pondered how I might actually (secretly) love, even get off on those feelings in a kinky sort of way.

As the book's refrain goes: "Having is evidence of wanting".

So, even the shitty feelings in your life like guilt and shame were somehow architected because part of your unconscious self gets off on them. That's a challenging concept to accept, but for the sake of the exercise, I stretched to see if there might be some truth to it for me.

There was.

I get a feeling of weightless freedom when I abandon projects - like I'm cutting ties with everything holding me down and free to float again. There's also a rush of excitement in the possibilities of whatever new thing I'm moving on to. The book also revealed to me something I had never considered: that there might even be a tinge of masochistic pleasure in beating myself up over being a "quitter." Weird. But nonetheless a much more empowering way to beat myself up in the future (as if I'm enjoying it.)

Anyways - that's the "foundational" Existential Kink exercise in a nutshell - but it was actually one of the mini-exercises in the book that had the biggest impact on me:

Exercise 2: Just Do Stuff

This is all about pursuing something just because you want to - without needing to have a good, logical reason or a well considered "why".

There's a lot of talk about "Finding Your Why" before you do something - including a bestselling book by that name. There's societal pressure to identify the reason why you want to start that business, write that blog, change your career, start a family. Especially in our logic-forward culture, it can seem irresponsible to act without good reason.

For the sake of this exercise, the author gives you full permission to just do things because you're "kinky, weird self wants to do them."

You don't need logical reasons to do things. Instead, she suggests you allow yourself to fully pursue something for the sole purpose that you desire it. She suggests treating this an experiment for three months, with a re-evaluation at the end to see if you still want the thing.

At the end of the 3 months, you'll either:

1. Be much closer to or have the thing you desire.

2. Decide you didn't really want it and switch it out for something else you're desiring.

Either way, you're leaps and bounds ahead of where you were when you were trying to logic your way into a reasonable rationale for doing the thing.

This reminded me of something I heard Paul Millerd say on the Curious Humans podcast recently.

He said: "...you can just do things."

Paul would know. He wrote a book about his journey straying from the typical path of employment and "ladder-climbing" to do more creative, fulfilling work.

You don't need permission - you don't even need to feel qualified. If you want to do something, you can just do it.

Write a play, learn a magic trick, change your wardrobe, buy a zoo like Matt Damon.

Since it was Sasha Chapin who recommended the book Existential Kink, it's only fair (and highly relevant) to end with this quote from him:

What's something you want, but haven't given yourself permission to do until X (qualification/date/achievement/milestone)?

What's something that you want, but don't feel like you have a good reason for wanting it?

What's something you've been wanting to do for a long time?

Go after it with full enthusiasm and vigor for a short time.

Forget three months. That's too intimidating.

How might you create a mini, one week experiment in which you pursue that thing fully?

Take the pressure off - tell yourself it's just for fun and give yourself permission to stop after a week.

But, there's a good chance by the end of the week, if you've "bumped into the world" sufficiently, you might dig the way it's bumping back.

Until next time,

Sean